An open letter to my ex husband.

There is or rather was so much that I wanted to say to you….but even that oppotunity was snatched away from me and so this is my time to bury it all and continue moving forward like I have been for the past 2 years.

Looking back at our relationship…there are so many lessons that I have learnt. And this open letter is in no way meant to offend or belittle you. It’s about me finally saying the things I needed to say. It’s about me putting me first for once. It’s about me not being the bigger or more mature person. Its about saying what I really felt.

Do I believe that you loved me? I actually do and I probably always will. Do I believe that you valued me? Not a damn!  

If ever I doubted that love is blind, our relationship proved that it was indeed. I loved you with every last breathe in me and you knew it. You were my one and only. You were my everything. You had power over me.

I loved you. Loved your craziness. Your ability to make me laugh. I loved how we used to play board games together. How we could watch movies together.  How funny and filthy you could be. How you would keep me company when I ironed and got us ready for the week. I loved your dance moves. You thinking you could sing. I loved coming home to that smile. Seeing you waiting for me by the gate. I loved when we prayed together.when we would fight and make up. Loved how you would test me before exams.  Lol remember that time I got back from Durban? You didn’t let me finish unpack coz you missed me that much or that time we found out I was pregnant?  What about that week we were at home by ourselves and we spent time watching movies. Eating.  Playing cards and just talking.  Or how we battled it out when shit went South that one Ramadaan?

If you ask me where did it all go wrong? I can’t tell you…because there was so much! Was it me? And being too hard by believing in you more than you did yourself? My domineering ways? My stubborness? Was it my vision for you? My parents? Was it pity, because you let me in and I saw first hand what you had to deal with. Was it your evil step mother? Or was it you being so easily influenced? Your exs? Your Sister in laws? Family?  Friends? Was it the drugs?  Or the alcohol? Was it that you were just pretending? Or the millions of people involved on our relationship, the outsiders?

There was so much that was said by every one else but so many things left unsaid between you and I. You picked me up and broke me down till I was nothing.Literally. LOL.I hated you and cursed you for the affair.  For the time you raised your hands for me and rough handled me to the point that I started bleeding in my  already high-risk pregnancy and had to lie and say I just started. I hated you for losing my one and only child. For not attempting to come and see me during that last hospital admission. I hated you for not being there when I NEEDED YOU. For the excuses.For the times you would leave me knowing how risky my pregnancy was and you would just go for nights on end. I hated you for the disrespect you brought to my home. I hated you for not standing up for me when you could see everything that was going on. For discussing me with your exes. I hated you for not being the man you led me to believe you were. I hated you for allowing your step mother to belittle and use me. She swore on oath that she would make you have that affair and you just went along with it. I hated you for making it get to the point where I had to start praying the prayer of contentment because I just didnt know with you any more. I hated her,your now wife,  for breaking my home. I judged her…what happend to the women code?  But later realised I was wrong. I couldn’t blame her… you allowed it.

I believe God made me lose Mikail to prepare me for letting you go. If I could lose a child and make it, he knew that that would toughen me and prepare me for living with out you. The pain of losing that child, that shed the light through my darkness was unbarable. You were the centre of my world. I heard nothing from nobody when it came to you.

No amount of words can ever describe how much you hurt me…you left our marriage and chose to have that affair..with that girl in our bed…whilst I was on the other side of the country trying to figure it all out and make things work for us.

 Just weeks before that we were the best couple, making relationship goals. We agreed to put us first. We started dating in our marriage.You said you loved me nights before but then you fought me…for things so trivial. You even backed out of slaughtering for your sons 1 year because of a booty call. God…I hated you. You left our marriage but judged me for leaving you… you knew I was jobless, knew I that I needed and was dependant on you. You left me to deal with losing our son, my gran and my husband just months apart. You chose to dishonour our marriage after the countless conversations we had where I gave you the option to leave and you said you wanted to stay. You had that affair and judged me for leaving you because you didn’t care and you were selfish.I asked for the divorce and you said no, but later decided to give it to me. You played with my emotions. With my heart because it was all about you that time.

You carried on with your life and continued blaming and bad mouthing me for leaving you and wanting out. How much more did you expect me to bare whilst you were having the time of your life?  

You were rude and arrogant to me and started hating me oh so sudddenly.You remarried not even a year later and had your child just before that…mine died and you just moved on making more to fill your void. Not once thinking of me. It was your life. Your party. Even when I thought I was progressing and even without communication between us, you kept breaking me down by just the thought of you.

I still have your apology SMS that you sent me a year after everything. I often read it when I think of you.  I still get unsettled and randomly think of you only to hear days later something big and bad is going on with you. I pray and ask God to delink whatever still connects us because its happend on so many occasions making me think it isn’t mere coincidence.I blocked you on social media but I still sometimes reminise on the good ole days.  I appreciate and am grateful  when I get told you ask about me or pass messages on with your mum to let me know that our sons grave is looking good but at the same time I despise you because part of me feels its so selfish that only now you want to do all of these things and  moreso that you still want me to know. 

I still wish to ask you “how are you” and would just like to know honestly what goes through your mind, to have one of “our” raw, uncut conversations. I still sometimes wonder if you ever think about me or us. If you miss me or what we had. I know it’s wrong because you married and it isn’t good for my healing process…but I do.

Today? I sit here writing this by the almighty’s grace. Debating whether this post should be published or not. Today I sit here stronger than ever before, and yes even with the lump in my throat and the sore heart and the memory of all the plans I hoped we would have gotten to live out, I can finally say that I’m doing me now and it feels great. I am alive and am blessed.

I got my job and am gaining my independence back. I  am picking myself up slowly but surely and am making my come back. I may not have moved onto another partner but I surely am preparing myself for one. Today I sit knowing my relationship with God. Knowing who Tazz is and what Tazz deserves. Today I sit here and am writing to tell you that I’m living out my goals. The goals I had initially had for us two; I sit achieving them alone and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

Thank you dear husband. Thank you for teaching me that I do matter. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make God my world.  Thank you for my son because he pulled me through some of my darkest moments; whenever you weren’t there; he would often listen to me sob my heart out. Thank you for leaving me and breaking me down, allowing me to rebuild myself. Thank you for showing me my flaws and just how imperfect I was and still am. Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for allowing me to be with you for those few years.  For being brave enough to show me your scars and imperfections. Thank you for showing me how grateful I should be for my family; they have all played a role in my healing. Thank you for Lyndal and Faiza, without you I wouldn’t have met such amazing, awesome friends.  

I sincerely wish you everything of the best. I know the man I met a good 4-5 years ago lives within you. I pray for you and for your family; wife and baby girl. I wish you success. I wish you peace and I wish you happiness. I wish that you would finally love yourself enough to love God and to believe in yourself like I did, so that you can start receiving even more blessings.I pray that you can let all of the negative people in your life go.

I pray that you don’t put any other women, even the one who broke up my home, through what you put me through.I hope that you have taken lessons just like I, and are using our experience to make your life better. I once was selective with what I told folk about us because I didn’t want you to look bad ( I still dont) and because I was scared of being judged. But I’m no longer scared because I have forgiven myself and have forgiven you.

I hope you get to read this and if our paths are meant to cross one day in the future…I hope it will be pleasant and perhaps you could answer some of these unanswered questions.

May peace and blessing be upon you always. Loved you long time.

With love and well wishes,

Your ex wife

#Deuces