Girl power, motivation and inspiration, personal

An open letter to my ex husband.

There is or rather was so much that I wanted to say to you….but even that oppotunity was snatched away from me and so this is my time to bury it all and continue moving forward like I have been for the past 2 years.

Looking back at our relationship…there are so many lessons that I have learnt. And this open letter is in no way meant to offend or belittle you. It’s about me finally saying the things I needed to say. It’s about me putting me first for once. It’s about me not being the bigger or more mature person. Its about saying what I really felt.

Do I believe that you loved me? I actually do and I probably always will. Do I believe that you valued me? Not a damn!  

If ever I doubted that love is blind, our relationship proved that it was indeed. I loved you with every last breathe in me and you knew it. You were my one and only. You were my everything. You had power over me.

I loved you. Loved your craziness. Your ability to make me laugh. I loved how we used to play board games together. How we could watch movies together.  How funny and filthy you could be. How you would keep me company when I ironed and got us ready for the week. I loved your dance moves. You thinking you could sing. I loved coming home to that smile. Seeing you waiting for me by the gate. I loved when we prayed together.when we would fight and make up. Loved how you would test me before exams.  Lol remember that time I got back from Durban? You didn’t let me finish unpack coz you missed me that much or that time we found out I was pregnant?  What about that week we were at home by ourselves and we spent time watching movies. Eating.  Playing cards and just talking.  Or how we battled it out when shit went South that one Ramadaan?

If you ask me where did it all go wrong? I can’t tell you…because there was so much! Was it me? And being too hard by believing in you more than you did yourself? My domineering ways? My stubborness? Was it my vision for you? My parents? Was it pity, because you let me in and I saw first hand what you had to deal with. Was it your evil step mother? Or was it you being so easily influenced? Your exs? Your Sister in laws? Family?  Friends? Was it the drugs?  Or the alcohol? Was it that you were just pretending? Or the millions of people involved on our relationship, the outsiders?

There was so much that was said by every one else but so many things left unsaid between you and I. You picked me up and broke me down till I was nothing.Literally. LOL.I hated you and cursed you for the affair.  For the time you raised your hands for me and rough handled me to the point that I started bleeding in my  already high-risk pregnancy and had to lie and say I just started. I hated you for losing my one and only child. For not attempting to come and see me during that last hospital admission. I hated you for not being there when I NEEDED YOU. For the excuses.For the times you would leave me knowing how risky my pregnancy was and you would just go for nights on end. I hated you for the disrespect you brought to my home. I hated you for not standing up for me when you could see everything that was going on. For discussing me with your exes. I hated you for not being the man you led me to believe you were. I hated you for allowing your step mother to belittle and use me. She swore on oath that she would make you have that affair and you just went along with it. I hated you for making it get to the point where I had to start praying the prayer of contentment because I just didnt know with you any more. I hated her,your now wife,  for breaking my home. I judged her…what happend to the women code?  But later realised I was wrong. I couldn’t blame her… you allowed it.

I believe God made me lose Mikail to prepare me for letting you go. If I could lose a child and make it, he knew that that would toughen me and prepare me for living with out you. The pain of losing that child, that shed the light through my darkness was unbarable. You were the centre of my world. I heard nothing from nobody when it came to you.

No amount of words can ever describe how much you hurt me…you left our marriage and chose to have that affair..with that girl in our bed…whilst I was on the other side of the country trying to figure it all out and make things work for us.

 Just weeks before that we were the best couple, making relationship goals. We agreed to put us first. We started dating in our marriage.You said you loved me nights before but then you fought me…for things so trivial. You even backed out of slaughtering for your sons 1 year because of a booty call. God…I hated you. You left our marriage but judged me for leaving you… you knew I was jobless, knew I that I needed and was dependant on you. You left me to deal with losing our son, my gran and my husband just months apart. You chose to dishonour our marriage after the countless conversations we had where I gave you the option to leave and you said you wanted to stay. You had that affair and judged me for leaving you because you didn’t care and you were selfish.I asked for the divorce and you said no, but later decided to give it to me. You played with my emotions. With my heart because it was all about you that time.

You carried on with your life and continued blaming and bad mouthing me for leaving you and wanting out. How much more did you expect me to bare whilst you were having the time of your life?  

You were rude and arrogant to me and started hating me oh so sudddenly.You remarried not even a year later and had your child just before that…mine died and you just moved on making more to fill your void. Not once thinking of me. It was your life. Your party. Even when I thought I was progressing and even without communication between us, you kept breaking me down by just the thought of you.

I still have your apology SMS that you sent me a year after everything. I often read it when I think of you.  I still get unsettled and randomly think of you only to hear days later something big and bad is going on with you. I pray and ask God to delink whatever still connects us because its happend on so many occasions making me think it isn’t mere coincidence.I blocked you on social media but I still sometimes reminise on the good ole days.  I appreciate and am grateful  when I get told you ask about me or pass messages on with your mum to let me know that our sons grave is looking good but at the same time I despise you because part of me feels its so selfish that only now you want to do all of these things and  moreso that you still want me to know. 

I still wish to ask you “how are you” and would just like to know honestly what goes through your mind, to have one of “our” raw, uncut conversations. I still sometimes wonder if you ever think about me or us. If you miss me or what we had. I know it’s wrong because you married and it isn’t good for my healing process…but I do.

Today? I sit here writing this by the almighty’s grace. Debating whether this post should be published or not. Today I sit here stronger than ever before, and yes even with the lump in my throat and the sore heart and the memory of all the plans I hoped we would have gotten to live out, I can finally say that I’m doing me now and it feels great. I am alive and am blessed.

I got my job and am gaining my independence back. I  am picking myself up slowly but surely and am making my come back. I may not have moved onto another partner but I surely am preparing myself for one. Today I sit knowing my relationship with God. Knowing who Tazz is and what Tazz deserves. Today I sit here and am writing to tell you that I’m living out my goals. The goals I had initially had for us two; I sit achieving them alone and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

Thank you dear husband. Thank you for teaching me that I do matter. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make God my world.  Thank you for my son because he pulled me through some of my darkest moments; whenever you weren’t there; he would often listen to me sob my heart out. Thank you for leaving me and breaking me down, allowing me to rebuild myself. Thank you for showing me my flaws and just how imperfect I was and still am. Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for allowing me to be with you for those few years.  For being brave enough to show me your scars and imperfections. Thank you for showing me how grateful I should be for my family; they have all played a role in my healing. Thank you for Lyndal and Faiza, without you I wouldn’t have met such amazing, awesome friends.  

I sincerely wish you everything of the best. I know the man I met a good 4-5 years ago lives within you. I pray for you and for your family; wife and baby girl. I wish you success. I wish you peace and I wish you happiness. I wish that you would finally love yourself enough to love God and to believe in yourself like I did, so that you can start receiving even more blessings.I pray that you can let all of the negative people in your life go.

I pray that you don’t put any other women, even the one who broke up my home, through what you put me through.I hope that you have taken lessons just like I, and are using our experience to make your life better. I once was selective with what I told folk about us because I didn’t want you to look bad ( I still dont) and because I was scared of being judged. But I’m no longer scared because I have forgiven myself and have forgiven you.

I hope you get to read this and if our paths are meant to cross one day in the future…I hope it will be pleasant and perhaps you could answer some of these unanswered questions.

May peace and blessing be upon you always. Loved you long time.

With love and well wishes,

Your ex wife

#Deuces
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26 thoughts on “An open letter to my ex husband.”

  1. You are so brave and so amazing, i watch women give up after something so trivial but here i am seeing this amazing women go thru hell time and time again but always stand up strong despite everything. He might have broken your heart but it has been rebuilt by God and nothing can take that away. Love you always for showing me that btave and strong women still do exist. That fighting hard for your goals is still doable. One day when you are blessed with amazing kids i will tell them how amazingly strong thier mother is and how super awesome she is. Keep doing you!

    NOW STRAIGHTEN YOUR CROWN AND WALK LIKE A BOSS!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You literally have me in tears. This post weren’t meant to be a pity party or a blaming and shaming post it was just to let out how I felt as a young women going through it all. Thanks to you and Ramon for being there and encouraging me. I am overwhelmed by the support coz I was expecting to be judged. Thank you for these kind words and for making me cry these tears. They are cleansing tears. Love you always

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  2. Today I read UR post and so very very proud of where u are ryt know .To my ex son in law u see the young lady u married was my baby my baby that i swore I would protect and love forever u hurt her so so bad .I grew her up with values respect and morals u stripped her to the lowest .I will get my day with u and when I do believe me wen i say u will never do wot u did to any women. U are a selfish person with no values I don’t despise u but I do pity u.Remember what goes around sure does come back to bite u .To my baby I loved u wen u were in my tummy and will love u till I take my last breath but no1 and I mean no1 will ever have the chance to hurt I ever again not while I’m alive.u are a strong courageous women and I’m so proud of u yes u made a mistake well maybe not a mistake but rather wrong choice but that wrong choice made u a better and stronger women and that makes me so proud to tell ppl that u are my dawter.Ur heart is bigger than the ocean u have so much respect u are god fearing and that for me is no1 a looser will always be a looser his loss my baby not urs.Love u more and more u go out there and conquer the world coz u strong like that.

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  3. Thee Most Amazing Soul i know….We walked a similar path..but Allah is he who has brought us Through it All…To This Day when i lost my boy..Your Dad and Family i have so much gratitude for…He really held up my Dad and ex-husband…Little did he know his baby Tazz would see this too..but its the reason why we go through these trials..to prepare us for the next..Just Amazing how we all madrassah together as young girls and had visions of our beautiful lives…But Ya Allah you know…You Built us strong for a reason…Mikail my baby You have thee Most amazing mom ever…she has a heart which is so bold..We are far but near because Dua has no distance…Love you my sistertjie…my tae’breezy..my inspiration…Mwah… 🙂 R.I.P Imraan(my boy) Mikail(your boy) Moosa(my dad) Ma Una(gran) and Kashief….we remember you all, everyday..Inna Lilahi wa inna ilaihi rajee’oon

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    1. It’s because iv been blessed to watch people like you make a come back that I was able to make it through leen. You inspire me and it’s because of you that I remain hopeful. Love you always and forever . Imraan and mikail must be having a ball watching their mums talk about them. May Allah ta Allah shine the noor throughout their kabrs and protect them from any and all punishment. Inshaallah aameeen

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  4. “Everyone has inside them a piece of good news. The good news is you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is.”
    It took that heartbreak to help you realise how absolutely awesome you are and that you deserve the utmost best.
    You go girl. Such an inspiration.
    Love and hugs

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    1. Kasi cuz… it really means a lot and I’m so lucky to have all of you as family. You guys have helped me in ways I can never imagine. Us Amos’s were made strong hey 🙂 love you more Xxx

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  5. Thank you Tas…As I read this I am filled with so much emotions…Thank you for your courage and the strength to share these unspoken emotions that some of us are still unable to verbalize. Yet..with God by our side our healing process has been so much easier…You are a beautful being inside and out and am fortunate to have met you in my lifes journey..The pride i have for you and its magnitude only God can see. I can only pray and wish for more blessings unto you…U deserve them and so much more..Keep doing you gorgeous princess..

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    1. Your support through out my journey is so appreciated. Thank you for reading and supporting my blog, my life’s journey and my goals, it’s people like you that make ordinary people like want to do better. Thank Mandy❤️

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  6. Dear tasneem
    I found your blog You have such amazing writing skills you really are a true journalist,you are able to inspire many people with your words and give them hope that there is light at the end of that long dark tunnel….
    We all feel pain in some shape or form but without will and god we can never get through it.Thank you for this letter to my husband your ex husband because it’s helped you release him n forgive him,he’s mentioned to me his mistakes and all he does is to strive not to repeat them,and to be a better man,husband and father ,but we not perfect we human.
    I will not comment on the accusations or our past but I’m glad we are now communicating about putting up baby’s tombstone,his memory will forever live in his fathers heart and as a family we have embraced him,one day his sisters will get a chance to go and see his grave…keep well and keep up ur good work

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  7. Just reading your blogs again and realising how far you have come my tazzy, you don’t need no one to tell you how amazing of a women you are cause I believe you are at that point were you know it. Remember the tears you cried when another women took your man will be the tears she will cry one day. I never wish that upon anyone but breaking a home is a sin. I too had my home broken so I fell you pain. I’m glad you are pass all if the drama and petty shit, you don’t need all that. It was such an amazing moment going to babies grave with you and I thank you for allowing us to share that moment with you. As you prepare to give him a tomb stone remember that the people who value you and add something to your life are here for you ever step off the way even thou we know you can do it on your own. To Your Ex husband I say salute, you lost a good women. It takes a real strong women to forgive you the way she has. May you continue to grow in all that you do tazzy

    PS. Q20

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    1. How many times do you want to make me cry lol. Thank you for your kind words lu. It is because of the sincere connections with people like you that I have that keeps me self reflecting and just wanting to be better. I’m at a point in my life where I choose my battles and thrive on sincerity. I thrive on real ness and honesty and am so blessed because those in my circle are all of those things.

      Thank you for always being there, for not allowing me to lower my standards. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on and for being there visiting Miks grave. How lucky is he. And well as for my ex husband , i don’t judge but I trust that if anything is ever done maliciously, God will make us count for it. What people think of me has never phased me and will never phase me because those who matter know me. So thank you once again for just having my back and for keeping me in check with God. Love you always my #stroke

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  8. Tazzy my baby. What an amazing woman you are. For the few years that I know you, you have taught me so much. You have taught many how to forgive unconditionally, even though you are hurting. You have put God in the centre of your world. You have needed nothing from anyone.

    Your past has made you stronger. Hell, YOUR past has made ME stronger. Having another woman break your home and steal it from right under nose, girl I would have done a #driveby. That JEZEBEL SPIRIT(google this) would have been dead when I was finished with her. But you handled her with poise and elegance. Another lesson taught.

    You are a true inspiration and role model. And don’t forget, you are an EXCEPTIONAL MOM. You can see this with every child you meet. They adore you and love you like their own. My kids cry for you so you don’t leave. So Do not let anyone make you believe otherwise.

    Thank you for taking us to visit our boy. In those two visits, you helped ME let go of my pain that I had to deal with because you handled it like a classy lady. And that’s what you are. A woman of CLASS .

    While you chose a tombstone for our boy, know that HIS MOM KNOWS BEST. And you know in YOUR heart what the right thing to do is.

    We will always be here for you. You are not alone in this world. And even if you were, I know that you are a survivor.

    Love you today and always…

    #prettygirlrock
    #Q20
    #wedontneednoman
    #Ateamalltheway

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    1. I’m no more playing! Tears so early like this in morning. You girls are just too awesome and I sometimes feel like I’m not worth of half the things you say but God knows I appreciate it.

      You girls know that I don’t consider myself perfect and that’s why I work extra hard on how I react to any situation, even if silence is one of them. I really could only make through everything with the help of God so if anything he deserves my the appraisals ❤

      You know first hand that as much as I was angry at the affair I mainly blamed him, because he allowed it to get that far BUT I have forgiven and well as I said earlier, If anything is done, said, or decided on maliciously, God will deal with it.

      It is an absolute honour having you and your beautiful be apart of my life. Our boy would be so lucky to have you and them in his well dam he is darn lucky. Aunty got him flowers and left her funky shades for him.

      Thank you for always being you especially in my darkest moments when I myself don’t know how to deal with things. My son deserves only the best and so his momma has dedicated her life to try and be just that… and I think I’m in the right track by just looking at the circle I keep.

      Thank you my love. I love you now and forever

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  9. Wow wow wow I see my dawter has a snooper just setting the record strait my grandson does not need anybody to help choose a tombstone for him except his mother Iv raised my dawter with morals values And respect not forgetting she was never raised to put out her hand and going forward please behave in a decent manner this has nothing to do with you . There is no sincerity with the above post so please get over your self stop being a great pretender .
    I qoute my DAWTER IS A LADY.

    Kind Regards
    MRS SHIREEN AMOS (THE QUEEN

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    1. Oh mother 😂I know that however many times I tell you that I can fight my battles, you will always feel the need to protect me because that’s what mums do and I love you for it. You know I’m at a point of my if just dealing, crying if I need to and leaving it to Allah and we can see that it’s been a winning recipe thus far. Kasi for the kind words mum, my life is dedicated to be the best version of myself so that my boy can look down and be proud of his momma! I believe that our soul purpose in life is to help people and if we can’t help them, we should at the very least not hurt them. So that’s what I’m dedicating my life to mum and I think I’m getting closer and closer to living that out.

      Can I just put on record that I appreciate each and everyone of you. You guys could have easily judged me for this post but all I see are people uplifting me. God is good all the time indeed

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  10. Should you have any queries please feel free to contact me u can ask ur husband for my number but make sure u have ur ducks in a row before contacting me. And please raise ur standard if u don’t know how Il teach u know stop being so insecure and concentrate on ur family .
    I hope Iv made myself clear.

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    1. We all know that wouldn’t be wise but any case, this post was about me saying what I NEEDED to say. Whoever feels fit to judge to maliciously comment for their own reasons is on them:) as you always taught me, be the bigger person even if you walk away looking dom for those who matter won’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. Love you long time mother

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  11. Well said aunty Shireen. Tasneem is a bigger lady than any of her ex’s new women. We may not have met these new people, but by their actions, we know them already.

    I really don’t hope she contacts you because that will show how disrespectful she truly is. Never in my life have I heard of an ex choosing such a special and an emotional piece of someones heart (I hope you understood that…lol).

    Nonetheless, Tazz is blessed to have a mom like you. Thank you for bringing her in this world so that she can be a part of our lives. If it wasn’t for mom Tazz, you would not be here. So you must thank her.

    Tazz stay the strong woman EVERYONE knows you to be.

    Love you and mom lots.

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    1. Once again thank you my Dori for the amazing words and whilst I will reserve my comments on and for any of my exes new woman, I thank you girls for keeping it 100 with me always and for remembering that this post was a very important part of MY healing process. I love you more than life itself my friend! You inspire me to be myself and not to let the BS consume me and for that I will forever be grateful

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