I had to work extremely hard today to control the anger,to keep the memories from swallowing and drowning my heart. And I’m exhausted now.
Memories of the different encounters of abuse, the affairs, the loss of my son, the violence, the struggles of just being a true authentic human being and people often taking that for a weakness, the heartache… It all came flooding back. I know what happens when I allow it to wash me away to depressing shores and so I fight daily to keep afloat. Today I’m barely making it.
See, what people don’t understand is that when you go through something traumatic, it never goes away. We work hard daily to rise above it all and keep moving, to work at it, to restore faith and trust. Its an everyday job where leave is something utopic. Some days we’re successful and are euphoric and other days we struggle, barely keeping our faces above water.
Today was one of those days for me.
To the pretentious kind. I don’t have the energy to deal with you today, so stay at bay.
To the judges of the world, do me a favour and take 30 to just relook at your own life. I can almost bet the judgment you possess towards me will be making a 360 towards yourself.
To the perpetrators, come correct… Kind is somewhere in my DNA, just not at the forefront of my logic today… So preservation of the positivity in my optimism well is the main goal for now. Not your pride or your ego…that I generally nurture in hope of yourll doing and being better.
I still have a house to clean, a prayer to say and tons of assignments to do. Allah if ever I needed you, it’s today.
Truest feelings, from just an ordinary girl trying to stay afloat
Many South Africans “stood” in solidarity yesterday by wearing all black. This was a stand up against the brutal attacks on women and the xenophobic attacks that have escalated in past weeks.
I decided to stand with my fellow South Africans in, what I believe to be, a different way.
See, Maya Angelou once said that people will forget what you do for them but they will never forget how you make them feel… Or something along those lines. And I for one, agree with her.
So I set out on a task, which started out prematurely but ended in the most heartfelt, touching way.
Filling in the gaps
Towards the end of July 2019 I applied to be a simulations Team leader. It’s basically a team leader coach to new people entering the business, in their training period. I was successful. People have always been my passion and I love making people smile and just helping out in general. Not blowing my own horn, but just giving you an idea of why I was so excited when I was awarded this opportunity.
What was daunting is that the group I was selected to help out with, is a Learnership group. Yeap millenials who are mostly fresh out of high school…
I’m sure you can understand why this was a teeny weeny bit nerve wrecking!
Fast forward a month and a half, a couple of coaching sessions, hilarious and sometimes inappropriate comments/encounters and unforgettable moments… These guys and girls have literally changed my life and have each earned a place in my heart.
The final chapter.
The lasting impact
Friday, the 06th of September 2019. I woke up and dressed in navy blue. I honestly forgot about the whole wear black escapade. Don’t judge me, it was a really rough week, with late nights, early mornings, minimal sleep and still thoughts of spending the weekend buried in text books and having to finish 11 assignments. So go easy on me now.
With all of the chaos happening around us; the negativity, anger and darkness our country seems to be in, I wanted to create a positive hub in our training room. The aim was purely to lift our spirits.
The thinking behind this task was to encourage these young girls and guys to always show gratitude, to focus on the positive and to always seek the silver lining; to see hope in adversity.
The task of the day was for each of them to write one thing that they like best about themselves and then to go around the room and tell each of their training buddies one thing that they like about them.
No lie, it started out funny. But believe me when I say that by the time we were done, it was one of the most fulfilling, heartfelt, sincere and memorable moments I’ve ever witnessed. I saw young kings show vulnerabilty and gratitude towards their fellow kings and watched them pour their inner most feelings out to the fellow queens in our training group. I saw young queens commend and speak life into their fellow queens and watched them uplift our young kings.
It was a beautiful and inspiring encounter. Ego, pride, shade, conspiracy, negativity, fakenicity (its a word, don’t ask further) had no place in that room. It didn’t exist. And boy was that refreshing.
The whole task was so authentic that I woke up inspired to write this post.
My Learnership guys have given me hope. Hope in our future. Hope in our young men and women. They aren’t just delinquent, entitled millenials. They are young, bright, sincere, real, talented and respectful beings.
I am super blessed to have encountered each and every one of them.
Team AMG. You guys rock awesome!
Love, light and cool vibes only… From just an ordinary simulations team leader.
From the first day I walked inside the KZN DH (my employer) offices, I knew I wanted to do great things.
My journey at DH was the start of a new Era for me. Leaving behind a toxic marriage, getting over the death of my son, and two grans; I knew I needed to dust myself off and steer this ship into positive, calmer waters. DH was the begining of that journey.
I’ve worked my behind off, trying to better myself both personally and in my career. And when I heard what a star award was and everything you needed to exude and possess to be nominated or even to win one, I knew I wanted to hold the title of this award. Not for the title itself, but to prove to myself that I am worthy and I possess all the right qualities to keep myself ahead and afloat.
Random info bits
Everyone who knows me, knows that 2013/14 were the toughest years of my life.
What people don’t know is that 2018/19 were even tougher.
Battling health issues, an array personal soul-eating and positive sucking battles, being a student whilst juggling work and personal projects, I found myself working triple time just to stay afloat. This is how I’ve been feeling.
Fighting battles that challenged my spirit, my faith, my character, my identity and almost surrending.
It’s been rough and tough. I’ve never been challenged this much. But I know that you only grow when you’re out of your comfort zone.
Friday, 07 June 2019, I went to get some rest to prep myself for a night of studying. I get a phone call telling me that I’ve won a quarterly Star award. I was in shock. Literally. All I remember was thanking the management team and then crying when I put the phone down.
There were other times I’d deem myself “on top of my game” or “worthy” but of late I’ve been feeling burnt out. Drowning almost. Never in a 1000 Years did I expect that I’d be chosen to win at this point. I mean I knew I’ve been working and working hard. But that’s never been an option; not working hard. I guess with all the negative stuff thats been around me, it felt too good to be true. Like this was my break almost.
What the award means to me
This award is confirmation to myself that I still have so much more fight, so much more passion, so much more to give. It’s God’s way of telling me I am enough and that the devil cannot and will not steal my joy. It’s the universes way of telling me to keep my head up and keep going because I am one of its brightest stars and my shine has not been dulled. It’s my employers way of telling me that my efforts are not unnoticed.
I’ve never ran from adversity. It’s not in my DNA to. Even when I don’t know it, my body’s natural instinct is to gear up and fight my best fight. I may have been down temporary, but this girl is coming back with a vegence.
Thank you to all my team leaders. From my extended hour team to where I’m currently at as a client relationship manager. I could never have gotten this far with out you guys. To my dearest work friends that have now become my family, thank you for always encouraging me and pushing me. To the management team thank you for leading by example and paving the way for us. Thank you for believing in me. For the person who nominated me, thank you for deeming me worthy of your time and of this award. I am forever grateful. To my family and my husband, thank you for never letting me stay down, for never allowing me to throw my own pity party, for always encouraging me. And then last but but least, shukr Allah, for listening to me and putting me through trials and tribulations to teach me the lessons I needed to be taught. Thank you for never giving up on me. I am forever grateful.
Love and light always, from just an ordinary quarterly star award winner ❤️
I thought time would have healed me abit and by now I’d be abit more stable when your birthday comes… I guess I was wrong. I think time has taught me to keep myself distracted, but on days like this, it’s impossible.
I try to celebrate you, in fact, I celebrate you daily. You have pushed me to be the woman with characteristics of the mother I would have wanted to be to you. Each time I’m In a situation, I think “what example would I be leaving if Mika’il were here”.
Precious child, you have made such an impact in my life. I really thank Allah that he chose me to carry you.
Flashbacks of the day that I lost you came flooding in from 01:05am when my sleep broke this morning.
As much as I trust Allah had different plans for you, I still question if you’d be here if only I had made different decisions or if only I stayed off my feet and rested as I should have.
But anyway, you would have been six today. Lol no guessing that I would have been way more excited than you. You would have also started big school. Gawsh, I don’t think they make phones big enough to house all the photos I’d take of you daily. I often wonder how it would have been; me coming home to help you with homework, teach you. You going to madressa and learning more about your religion. I often wonder what type of questions you’d be asking me.
I often wonder… I do that alot actually.
So on your special day. Know that mum and a whole lot of aunts and uncles, cousins, Junaid and Ma & PA are thinking of you. I know you’re in a much better place my son.
The love I have for you will never die. Till we meet again sweet child.
The Deluca coffee shop offers a variety of yummy goodness, from fine coffees to decadent shakes to amazing pizzas, burgers and samies. They have it all.
My all time favourite is their spicy NewYork cheese fries (they have it in mild too).
The portion is enough to feed two to three people #airpunch! We love decent portions. Hubby and I are healthy eaters and so it was enough for just us two. #grin.
Their cheese sauce is cheesy and out of this world… I mean taste is everything! The ratio of sauce to chips is perfect. This ratio is so important because real foodies don’t do a dollop of sauce on top and nothing at the bottom. We need an even spread. They got It down to a science peeps and if all that isn’t enough, each portions is topped with chicken strips and pickled jalepenos.
The smell is enough to make you have foodgasm!
The pricing is not that bad at all, considering it feeds 2-3 people. @just R76.00, you can enjoy all this yumminess. I swear! it’s like angels tickling your taste buds.
Whilst I make my own chilli cheese fries that hubby adores, these are by far one of the best chilli cheese fries I’ve had. Try it out and be sure to let me know.
Love and light always, from just an ordinary foodie.
Can I just commend the folk involved in rescuing this baby and the many other abandoned babies out there. And an even huger thank you to all the baby and kiddies homes out there. You guys are making a difference!
As always, majority of our community members used this opportunity to judge, belittle and curse the mother of this baby without knowing who abandoned the baby or what the mother’s situation was. I for one, felt for that baby. As a woman who has lost a kid and is looking to have my own soon, my heart bled for that little girl and I could somewhat understand the anger and frustration from everyone but till an extent.
For me, my heart bled even more for the mother of that baby. I kept thinking and wondering what space she must have been in to do something like that. I kept wondering how desperate she must have been in.
Personally, I know what difficult situations can do and the state they can sometimes leave you in… And not all of us deal with these difficulties or aftermaths in the same manner.
I mean I know God has a plan and part of me felt like he knew that he would protect that baby and so I couldn’t help but think that just maybe it all happened because this mum needs help.
As women we often go through so much and yet it becomes so easy for us to tear someone else down without knowing their story. Imagine if that was your sister, niece, cousin or friend… and you knew nothing about what they were facing but came to hear of it after. Would you still judge as harshly as you are now?
As a community, our first reaction is to judge from behind a phone or keyboard. That’s one of our biggest problems; quick to vent and complain but not many put their hands up to actually change a situation.
We become vial and suddenly play the roles of being sinless or holier than thou. We forget that there may be things that we are not particularly proud of that we may have done, be it an affair, sex before marriage, gossiping, lying, stealing, drugging, murder etc etc…you can see where I’m going with this.
It is so important to know that opinions are just that and they never warrant us judging someone just because they sin differently to us, especially without knowing all the facts.
We fail to think that maybe this is an opportunity for us as a community to change and become more proactive. Look at the devil.
Maybe if this mom knew that her community would stand by her through what ever she was going through as opposed to knowing how we usually judge and so would judge her irrespective, or even knowing how she’d be blasted on social media(because that’s what we do) , just maybe the outcome would have been different.
We use our energy on prying on other people’s pain,… Maybe to prevent us from actually looking at ourselves and taking accountability for the wrongs we’ve done. You don’t call that justice. It’s actually pathetic. We complain about racism, sexism, terrorism but oppression towards people who make mistakes, or suffer from mental disorders or feel like they don’t have any other way out becomes okay…how messed up is that. And even if they are “whores” or whatever else one might call them… It is not our place to judge.
I’d like for something positive to come out of this, even if it is just awareness.
WE know that there are alternatives to dumping unwanted kids… But for someone battling a mental illness or disorder or going through a difficult time… sometimes their judgment is clouded.
Can we circulate alternatives? Letting distressed mums to be or mums who feel they don’t have options, know that they actually do have options?
Mothers can leave their unwanted babies at a baby safe. There is an organization dedicated to making baby safes to prevent babies being abandoned. For more information or even if you’d like to sponsor, please click here or you can google The baby safe.
There are baby safes on the Bluff. In Amanzimtoti, PMB and Durban North.
And if you you are anywhere else in the country, the website has a list of baby safes in other provinces as well.
If you know of any other way, like Crisis Centre information or where people can find out more about family planning and contraceptives etc. Please comment below or share it on your social media platforms, in your community or even at your work place?
We need to take our community back and we are only as strong as our weakest link… Let that sink in.
Love and light always, from just an ordinary community member.