Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Slamaat on your 6th birthday Mika’il

Six years. You would have been six years.

I thought time would have healed me abit and by now I’d be abit more stable when your birthday comes… I guess I was wrong. I think time has taught me to keep myself distracted, but on days like this, it’s impossible.

I try to celebrate you, in fact, I celebrate you daily. You have pushed me to be the woman with characteristics of the mother I would have wanted to be to you. Each time I’m In a situation, I think “what example would I be leaving if Mika’il were here”.

Precious child, you have made such an impact in my life. I really thank Allah that he chose me to carry you.

Flashbacks of the day that I lost you came flooding in from 01:05am when my sleep broke this morning.

As much as I trust Allah had different plans for you, I still question if you’d be here if only I had made different decisions or if only I stayed off my feet and rested as I should have.

But anyway, you would have been six today. Lol no guessing that I would have been way more excited than you. You would have also started big school. Gawsh, I don’t think they make phones big enough to house all the photos I’d take of you daily. I often wonder how it would have been; me coming home to help you with homework, teach you. You going to madressa and learning more about your religion. I often wonder what type of questions you’d be asking me.

I often wonder… I do that alot actually.

So on your special day. Know that mum and a whole lot of aunts and uncles, cousins, Junaid and Ma & PA are thinking of you. I know you’re in a much better place my son.

The love I have for you will never die. Till we meet again sweet child.

Slamaat on your sixth heavenly birthday.

Love and light always,

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Love, life & everything's else in between, motivation and inspiration, personal

QOTD #75: Blessings on blessings

Today is very emotional day for me, as many of you who have shared my journey with me , would know, I lost my son at birth on this day, five years ago.

I’m getting stronger but it’s certain days that still get the better of me.

Situations have presented themselves forward, which I honestly did not have the patience and energy for and which I have been silent about because sometimes silence is best. But having being such an emotional morning, part of me wanted to react; just to vent so I could focus on celebrating my boy.

My sister said somethings to me that made so much of sense. She firstly reminded me of the person I AM. She then went on to saying

” Sissy, you can’t control what people say about you, but you can control how you react, so continue to react with patience, confidence, God and class”.

When you’ve found your peace. The devil will find ways to steal it. Don’t allow him too.

I was once very hasty and irrational and over the years I worked extremely hard to better myself with the help of my creator and family and a few friends.

I am so blessed with the people in my life, not only do they allow me to be me, flaws and all; they guide me, pick me up and step in when I can’t.

The beautiful messages I received this morning from sister and from my friends and family in support of Miks birthday, from my mum who wakes up to sing for him every year and my dad who will always come to me after and tell me to turn to God and not to cry and then my brother that would console me in his own awkward way, my boy are blessed and are forever grateful and I thank each of you.

To my dearest Lori. Thank you for the surprise visit to Miks grave and the video call and for making it look so beautiful. I couldn’t be there and even with all going on with you, you found it to make time and make a plan to do this for us. I am forever grateful

May God bless each and every one of you who remembered us today with bountiful favour and blessings.

It’s a day that reminded me of some very important lessons and it would never have happened if my angel was not in heaven.

Thank you friends and family and God for the constant support, the reminders and the lessons.

A gratitude post from just an ordinary Mum of angel!

Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Happy 5th birthday my heavenly angel.

Slamaat on your fifth birthday Mika’il, may the angels sing for you and may you have a ball up there with all of your heavenly friends. I love you boy and never will I ever forget you and how precious you were!

Every year I tell myself that I need to be strong and that I shouldn’t cry or mourn the birth/passing of my son.

Each year, I feel stronger. Whilst I still randomly think of him and how he’d be, what milestones he would have achieved and what his favourite thing to do would be, I smile more.

Until his birthday.

My boy would have been five today. I barely slept having this unsettled feeling. The morning dawned and the memories of the awful day came flashing through, my heart sank and the tears can’t be controlled.

No person will really understand it unless they’ve been through it. We are told not to cry and that they’re better off and well that’s true… but it isn’t that simple.

I commend those moms who have lost kids and still keep their strong, keep pushing forward, keep smiling and keep inspiring. The moms who have had more kids and are still able to give and give and give. You women are power!

May the almighty bring comfort to us all and may we all be reunited with our little angels one day.

Love and light, from just an ordinary girl

Love, life & everything's else in between, motivation and inspiration, personal

Gratitude

It has been one of the toughest weeks of 2017 by far.

Staying afloat and remaining positive has never taken so much out of me. I am however, a firm believer that we all need to have some bad days to sincerely appreciate the good ones 🙂

I am training myself to see the light even when I’m stuck in the middle of what seems to be a never-ending storm. As a result, there are some things that moved me this past week that I really just need to put out there and extend some gratitude for.

Many of you know that I lost my son. Each year, I am overwhelmed by the mothers day messages I receive. The kind words and reassurance that my little soldier is watching over me, always warms my heart. To each and every one of you who took the time out to send me those beautiful messages, I say Thank You and this is from the depths of my heart.

The one wish received however, really touched my heart and will forever remain embedded in my minds’ box of sentimental memories. The wish from my mentee. Many of you would also know that I mentor a beautiful 13 year old little girl at one of the kiddies homes here in Durban. This is done through an absolutely wonderful programme; The Bright Star mentorship programme. This is one of the very many programmes run by the Peace agency. 

You guys should really check the programme out, you can do so by clicking here. You can also check out information on the Peace Agency and other projects linked to them by clicking here. You guys are welcome to comment or message me for more information as well 🙂

I am currently in my second year of mentoring through this programme and you would have seen through  my previous posts just how amazing my mentee is. She made me the most beautiful card with the most heart warming words. God really has a constant way of showing me just how much he loves me. I really feel so privileged being apart of this little one’s life. With each weekly visit, I am constantly fulfilled. #Forevergrateful

I also need to extend my gratitude to my friends, family and significant other. Knowing just how trying this week has been, these guys are always at my side reminding me to keep going, reminding me of God, reminding me that I have been through worse. These guys are always encouraging me and boy oh boy, they never allow me to wallow. I promise you, if it was not for them, I don’t even want to think of the position I would be in and I mean really, what more could a girl possibly ask for? #Mysupportstructureisbetterthanyours

Lastly, my creator. You know how we sometimes have those silent prayers that our hearts whisper but we brush off? yeah those. God always seems to listen and let me know in his own way that he has heard. Me being able to write this post is really only by his will and permission and therefore I have to honor him. #blessedbeyondmeasure

so God, thank you for everything, thank you for my heavenly angel that is there with you, thank you for my mentee and allowing be to be apart of such a phenomenal mentorship programme, thank you for my family, friends and my special person and thank you for never giving up on me. People often ask me how do I remain so grounded and my answer was, is and  will always be: my faith and my God.

So with that done, I will encourage you to give thanks and to purposely remind yourself of all the good things you got going in your life, especially when you have 101 things to complain about. It has worked for me, I am sure it will for you too.

Love and light always,

From just an ordinary girl Xx

 

Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Dear son 

It’s just one day before your birthday. And you should know by now how emotional I get. Flashbacks and memories of when it all happened.

If you were here, I know I would have been running around frantic looking for the final touches to whatever I would have had planned for you for tomorrow. 

You would have been 4. Imagine! Such a grown boy. 

I sometimes sit and imagine the kind of love-filled stares I’d be giving you when you asleep or think of all the gratified thoughts I would think when you do the darndest of things. I still imagine who you’d like, how your hair would have been and whose eyes you’d have.

Lots has happened over the passed year. I’ve met with your dad and glad to say that that has all been resolved. I’ve written “dear john’s” and burnt them, letting go of all the negativity and I’ve distanced myself from people who really don’t add anything but drama to my life. You give me all this courage in your own little way.

I made an intention to visit your grave for your birthday but financially that isn’t possible right now. I will be coming soon. I think I’m getting stronger, I’ve closed chapters of my life for good as I said before, by confrontation as well as small symbolic things. I also finally finished your baby book. 
I know it’s sometimes selfish of me to keep on doing this but writing is your mother’s go-to place. Your Ma never understands why I come to write here because she believes it doesn’t need to be posted. But you will never understand how posting this soothes me and it really is only with intention that other mommies who have lost their precious bundles know that they aren’t alone.

Thoughts of you  have been flooding my mind , like it does religiously this time of year. 

I have no doubt that you’re safer wherever you are right now than if you were here with me so for that I’m grateful.

Rest assured, I will be back putting pen to paper or rather my fingers to this keyboard wishing you a very happy birthday in a few.

Rest well my special boy❤️❤️

Love, life & everything's else in between, motivation and inspiration, personal

And just like that, it’s all over 

Yeap…. road trip done and dusted. Where did time go???

For someone who is ALWAYS talking, no amount of words can express my gratitude towards everybody who showed their support this weekend. Thank you guys for the calls, messages, duas and words of encouragement. May the almighty bless you all abundantly.

DBN >>> JHB



So I should put on record that this was my first time driving long distance. Let’s just say that I will do it again. Ramon and lucille , you guys have been such good company and a huge pillar of support. I enjoyed every sing-a-along , every game and every word of our conversation. A bonding session that was much needed and greatly enjoyed! You guys are my ray of sunshine. I’m am so privelleged to have you as a bestie Ramon and also to have gained another bestie through your marriage to Lucille. I love you guys. 

Mika’ils grave visits 

What an emotional experience 😭💔Ramon, Lucille and Lori… you guys…! thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and being present. You guys are the definition of friendship and support. From walking the Avalon graveyard searching for Miks grave to cleaning his grave and planting flowers, to leaving yourls glasses to let him know his aunts were there and literally for catching me when I was falling to my lowest. I could not have asked for more. The almighty really keeps showing me just how blessed I am. 

Got to see my boy and felt a ray of emotions, from heart ache to guilt , to pain, to emptiness to relief, I felt it all. I still don’t understand why he was taken away from me but I trust the almightys reasons. 

Our stay



Odessa and Lori, this one is for you two specifically. Lori , thank you so much for going out of your way to take us around. Nobody else would have been up with us and ready to be on the move even before we wake up lol. For giving us your time and for just being so darn awesome ! For the crazy moments, raps, #Q20, #stroke and #dori, Thank you. 

Odessa, you are a gem. You opened your home to us and it really did feel like home. Thank you so much for making everything so comfortable for us. Your kids and your sister are just something else. My life is based on authentic connections and iv gained another this weekend. Can’t wait to see you both again. 

Faizel, thank you for offering your home to us and for keeping Ramon so we could have girl time. Much appreciated. 


Gold reef city 

If you know me, you would know I l love rides and doing fun things.

Our GRC trip was amaze balls! Even although we got burnt, it was so worth the trip. Thanks again you guys for arranging this trip to make me feel better after the visit to miks grave. 



Lucille and Lori, thank you girls for my amazing gift! You girls know just how I value sentimental things like this. 


I love all of you guys and I really appreciate everybody who sent messages, who called , prayed and wished me well. My boy and I are so lucky to have you all. 

Lastly but most importantly, shukr  Allah for granting me the opportunity to go and see my boy. I make shukr for your traveling mercies because it is only through your will that we went and that we returned safely. 

Some last random pics from our trip


Loads of gratitude from just an ordinary girl. 

Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Dear Mika’il,


Mummy is getting ready to visit your grave. Yeap, it’s finally happening.

Im looking forward to the trip but I am so anxious, almost as though I’m going to be assessed for some huge , dream-come true opportunity that my life depends on. Yeap, that’s the impact you have on my life even without you physically being here.

It hurts me when nobody remembers you or your birthday because you are somebody worth remembering but know that the love I have for you is more than any amount of human love put together on this earth. 

I can’t promise you that I’m not going to cry boy, and I am sorry that iv never visited your grave. I almost feel guilty because it’s almost 3 years since I’ve last been. 

Just know that mummy has been workin on herself and trying to build herself up again, you are always in my thoughts, hearts and prayer and I hope that wherever you are, you get to know this. 

I look forward to traveling, knowing that the trip is all for you. I look forward to talking to you and to cleaning your grave, as though I’m getting you all ready for some great outing lol. I hope that you like your little 🚗 that I’m going to leave for you. I’m not sure if doing that is even a thing because I don’t know how to deal with all of this. But just know that it is all for you. 

I’m gonna wipe my tears away now and embrace my journey. Ma and Pa and your aunties says to tell you that they think of you daily and that they love you, I will tell you when I’m there also. 


See you soon boytjie, so many people are here for mummy that I just had to share all of the love, joy and support you bring to me.

Love, 

Your mummy Xx

An anxious post from just an ordinary mum