Slamaat on your fifth birthday Mika’il, may the angels sing for you and may you have a ball up there with all of your heavenly friends. I love you boy and never will I ever forget you and how precious you were!
Every year I tell myself that I need to be strong and that I shouldn’t cry or mourn the birth/passing of my son.
Each year, I feel stronger. Whilst I still randomly think of him and how he’d be, what milestones he would have achieved and what his favourite thing to do would be, I smile more.
Until his birthday.
My boy would have been five today. I barely slept having this unsettled feeling. The morning dawned and the memories of the awful day came flashing through, my heart sank and the tears can’t be controlled.
No person will really understand it unless they’ve been through it. We are told not to cry and that they’re better off and well that’s true… but it isn’t that simple.
I commend those moms who have lost kids and still keep their strong, keep pushing forward, keep smiling and keep inspiring. The moms who have had more kids and are still able to give and give and give. You women are power!
May the almighty bring comfort to us all and may we all be reunited with our little angels one day.
I know that everything happens by your will and I know not to question you. But sometimes I just can’t fathom why some things happen.
This evening I read a story of a mom who lost her son, it brought back all of the emotions that I had when I lost Mika’il and it was at this moment that I knew I probably will never get over losing my son. I write when I’m emotional so if this doesn’t make any sense, please pardon me.
I sit writing this with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I’ve finally faced completing miks baby book. Something I’ve been putting on hold for years.
I sometimes feel ungrateful when I think of him and cry becAuse you (God) have blessed me in so many ways and i now know just how much you believe in me putting me through all of this and knowing that I will make it through , I’m only saying this because if you knew I wouldn’t make it you wouldn’t have let this happen right?
I’m sitting here looking at all his ultrasound pictures. My heart is literally breaking into a million pieces yet I am still and remembering all of the logical things to tell myself but I want nothing more than to just punch a wall , or scream and to just break down but then in the same breath I think “what difference would it make” speak about mixed emotions. Is this normal ? What is normal about this God? Is there a “way” us moms supposed to deal with this? I tried forgetting and blocking it all out but that clearly hasn’t helped; I’m sitting here three years later feeling all the pain once again.
Wouldn’t looking at these make you feel the same way?
Mums who have lost their kids, I don’t know your story and can’t tell you how brave you are if you’re still here reading this; the strength that is you. I still to this day only wonder what he would be like, who he would look like, what his favourite food would have been or where his favourite place to visit would be. I still wonder , till this day, what his favorite toy would have been or how he would look when he just wakes up or what his favourite pjs would be. I still wonder how my life would have been if he were still here. I still wonder.
I can’t tell you what has helped me cope or that things will get better because I’ve pretty much winged getting through these passed three years.
I can however, tell you that God has faith in you if he is trusting you with this burden. He knows you’re stronger than you think you are.
I can also tell you that you’re courageous. It’s a pain I don’t think anybody can describe and to beable to just live through day by day takes a hell of a lot.
Dear God , bless the very many mums and dads who have witnessed the loss of their kids. Strengthen them and be their peace. Amen 🙏🏼