Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Dear son 

It’s just one day before your birthday. And you should know by now how emotional I get. Flashbacks and memories of when it all happened.

If you were here, I know I would have been running around frantic looking for the final touches to whatever I would have had planned for you for tomorrow. 

You would have been 4. Imagine! Such a grown boy. 

I sometimes sit and imagine the kind of love-filled stares I’d be giving you when you asleep or think of all the gratified thoughts I would think when you do the darndest of things. I still imagine who you’d like, how your hair would have been and whose eyes you’d have.

Lots has happened over the passed year. I’ve met with your dad and glad to say that that has all been resolved. I’ve written “dear john’s” and burnt them, letting go of all the negativity and I’ve distanced myself from people who really don’t add anything but drama to my life. You give me all this courage in your own little way.

I made an intention to visit your grave for your birthday but financially that isn’t possible right now. I will be coming soon. I think I’m getting stronger, I’ve closed chapters of my life for good as I said before, by confrontation as well as small symbolic things. I also finally finished your baby book. 
I know it’s sometimes selfish of me to keep on doing this but writing is your mother’s go-to place. Your Ma never understands why I come to write here because she believes it doesn’t need to be posted. But you will never understand how posting this soothes me and it really is only with intention that other mommies who have lost their precious bundles know that they aren’t alone.

Thoughts of you  have been flooding my mind , like it does religiously this time of year. 

I have no doubt that you’re safer wherever you are right now than if you were here with me so for that I’m grateful.

Rest assured, I will be back putting pen to paper or rather my fingers to this keyboard wishing you a very happy birthday in a few.

Rest well my special boy❤️❤️

Love, life & everything's else in between, personal

Dear Mika’il,

Mummy is getting ready to visit your grave. Yeap, it’s finally happening.

Im looking forward to the trip but I am so anxious, almost as though I’m going to be assessed for some huge , dream-come true opportunity that my life depends on. Yeap, that’s the impact you have on my life even without you physically being here.

It hurts me when nobody remembers you or your birthday because you are somebody worth remembering but know that the love I have for you is more than any amount of human love put together on this earth. 

I can’t promise you that I’m not going to cry boy, and I am sorry that iv never visited your grave. I almost feel guilty because it’s almost 3 years since I’ve last been. 

Just know that mummy has been workin on herself and trying to build herself up again, you are always in my thoughts, hearts and prayer and I hope that wherever you are, you get to know this. 

I look forward to traveling, knowing that the trip is all for you. I look forward to talking to you and to cleaning your grave, as though I’m getting you all ready for some great outing lol. I hope that you like your little 🚗 that I’m going to leave for you. I’m not sure if doing that is even a thing because I don’t know how to deal with all of this. But just know that it is all for you. 

I’m gonna wipe my tears away now and embrace my journey. Ma and Pa and your aunties says to tell you that they think of you daily and that they love you, I will tell you when I’m there also. 

See you soon boytjie, so many people are here for mummy that I just had to share all of the love, joy and support you bring to me.


Your mummy Xx

An anxious post from just an ordinary mum 

Love, life & everything's else in between, motivation and inspiration, personal

She is the greatest wonder of my world

If I could be anybody else in this world, I would be my mother. She is strength personified. 

As I grow older and realize and experience just how life can through random cards and give you an unfair hand, I often make it a point to self reflect and see how I can become better after every experience be it good or bad…and that’s because my mother has taught me to do so.

In most cases I have learnt that my mother has walked a similar or more daunting path than I have yet she comes out and stays on top. 

As kids we tend to grow up expecting our folk to parent us, we grow up only exposed to what they want us to be exposed too…we grow up ignorant because we only see “Mum”. We don’t see them as “humans” who get tired and angry too or as daughters ( I’m sure they still need their mummy’s, I mean I’m so old and I can’t even pick out a dress without my mother), as a friend or cousin or even a sister… We kinda selfish because it’s always all about us.

I guess they just seem to be so freakin good at balancing everything that they do that sometimes we forget that they too need a time out. 

My mother has been my hugest supporter, she’s been my coach, doctor, friend, toy, teacher, enemy, disciplinarian, my pillar of strength and my BIGGEST critique. 

Now that I’m older and can understand and see the sacrifices she’s made to get us where we are, I would be grateful if I turn out to be even half the woman she is. 

She has shown me how to let life’s darkest moments fuel life’s greatest blessings. She has taught me self worth. She has taught me that it’s ok to be different and not to conform, that it’s okay to have my and stand for my own beliefs and she has taught me to be grateful for whatever God has blessed me with.

She has shown me that no matter how many times I fall or mess up, she is there to catch me. She has shown me that through God, hard work and determination you can achieve anything. She has walked my battle fields with and felt my pain, cried my tears and built me back up. She is blunt and is the OG at keeping things 100. She is a soldier! I mean a superhuman that can love so fiercly yet at the same time able to moer you or put you back in check…only a mother can! 

Whenever I lose hope or faith I look at her and see what a masterpiece Allah has created and then I know that I will be ok, because she is okay!

Mum, as your little girl, all I can say is a job well done and THANK YOU! You are amazing, you are valued, you  are THEE best. If ever you have doubted yourself or how you’ve done as a mother, I hope this post can at the very least show you just how super amazing you are and validate just that. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. 

So even although we are going to fight because well I’m your child,  whether it be because of me pulling my face to make your cup of tea or not wiping the kitchen floor or just not knowing when to shut it, know that you are my role model and that when I grow up I want to be just like you!

May Allah ta Allah continue keeping you on his path, may he bless you beyond measure and shower his mercies and blessings upon you always. May he grant you ease through any battle you face, comfort for every sad moment you face and may he grant you the highest ranks in heaven.

Kasi and I love you ❤️

Posted by: Just an ordinary girl.