It’s just one day before your birthday. And you should know by now how emotional I get. Flashbacks and memories of when it all happened.
If you were here, I know I would have been running around frantic looking for the final touches to whatever I would have had planned for you for tomorrow.
You would have been 4. Imagine! Such a grown boy.
I sometimes sit and imagine the kind of love-filled stares I’d be giving you when you asleep or think of all the gratified thoughts I would think when you do the darndest of things. I still imagine who you’d like, how your hair would have been and whose eyes you’d have.
Lots has happened over the passed year. I’ve met with your dad and glad to say that that has all been resolved. I’ve written “dear john’s” and burnt them, letting go of all the negativity and I’ve distanced myself from people who really don’t add anything but drama to my life. You give me all this courage in your own little way.
I made an intention to visit your grave for your birthday but financially that isn’t possible right now. I will be coming soon. I think I’m getting stronger, I’ve closed chapters of my life for good as I said before, by confrontation as well as small symbolic things. I also finally finished your baby book.
I know it’s sometimes selfish of me to keep on doing this but writing is your mother’s go-to place. Your Ma never understands why I come to write here because she believes it doesn’t need to be posted. But you will never understand how posting this soothes me and it really is only with intention that other mommies who have lost their precious bundles know that they aren’t alone.
Thoughts of you have been flooding my mind , like it does religiously this time of year.
I have no doubt that you’re safer wherever you are right now than if you were here with me so for that I’m grateful.
Rest assured, I will be back putting pen to paper or rather my fingers to this keyboard wishing you a very happy birthday in a few.
Rest well my special boy❤️❤️