Having had one of the toughest emotional weeks last week. I have this constant urge, almost like a voice at the back of my head asking ” what are you doing?” ” what is your purpose?”.
I feel as though I need to sit and think about what I have been put on this earth to do.
Growing up everybody knew I had the “brains” and had the ability to do and become literally anything because of my knack to catch onto things so quickly.
What was sad in all of this is that I didn’t believe in myself! Today I sit as a Client Relationship Manager for the biggest medical aid company in South Africa yet I still feel as though I haven’t fulfilled my purpose.
I started but didn’t finish my degree in Journalism and Media studies. And almost feel as though ” I just settled” and whilst iv accomplished a lot, I feel that I have the potential to do and be so much more…
Question is where does one start? How do I go back to the drawing board and decide what it is supposed to be doing? I’m 26, surely by now I needed to have some sought of tertiary level certificate to my name.
Part of me believes that I am where God needs me to be and that I am grateful for but the other also feels that I could be so much more.
I always see myself as somebody that would be making significant differences in the world. A radio or Tv personality or even an author. I love writing, I love people, I love making a difference but I’ve now learnt that you need more than just love.
Where does one begin? How does one “get back up” how do you decide what you should be studying and leaving work to study isn’t an option because well of the bills to pay!
Have any of you ever been where I am? Have you managed to find a way to answer the many questions?
53 years ago Allah’s servant was born, a legend was born, a soldier was born, my father was born.
If you had to ask me if I would trade you in for anything? Hands down the answer would be no! Even though we fight often, you complain, can lose your head at times and I can just be mil, I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
You have taught me so many things Dad and watching you transform into the father you are now is nothing short of admirable.
I am grateful to you for so much but most importantly your guidance towards Allah and I hope that Allah ta Allah will bless me with a husband that shares your principles.
I hope that on your special day you enjoy it thoroughly, may it be filled with loads of love and laughter. May Allah spare you with many more happy returns, may he keep you on the siratul mustakeen. May you be blessed with good health and wealth and a long life to continue doing Allahs work. May all of your hearts desires be fulfilled. Inshallah aameeen
Love you till the end of time dad. Kasi for everything
Have you ever gotten to the point where you just ready to give up? Coz that’s the point where I am at.
I think this has been the worst, most emotional week of 2016.
My drive and passion at work is at an all time low. My relationship with my mother is pretty much non existent and God knows how much I miss her. I don’t have the will to just read Quraan and sit on my musalaah. It’s like Shaytaan is winning and I’m just letting him win.
Whenever any hardships hit me, before looking and seeing what others have done to me, I generally see and take what I could have done better and try to better myself… But Gawsh! They were right when they said old habits die hard and it’s like the more you trying to be better, more and more things happen and it just cripples you more. N nobody has the patience or time to help you grow, it’s all on you.
I feel as though I’m constantly having to watch what I say and how I say and what I do and when I do it both at work and at home.
I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to have time out . Or get irritated . Or tired . Or feel like I just don’t wanna do anything. Have you ever felt like this?
I know that I have flaws, and plenty might I add, and it’s like whilst im trying to be less judgmental and accept the flaws of others, the more mine are been picked on. I guess this is the test when you trying to be better and you just got to humble yourself and suffer the consequences and continue making dua for Allah ta Allah to rectify your flaws.
I’m at a point where my thinking brain is dead. I don’t have the answers and the more I try the more I fail. But if I don’t try I feel it’s making my situations worse.
Have you ever felt like this? What did you do to get out of feeling this way?
A few weeks ago I posted up some of my feelings around being coloured and how we are so marginalized for everything in this country, you can click Here to read the post if you haven’t read it as yet.
Wayde Van Niekerk, the 24 year old Coloured from Cape Town, broke the Olympic world record for the 2016 men’s 400m race, finishing off in a striking 43.03 seconds.
I don’t personally know Wayde but this achievement brought so much of joy to my heart, my family, my community and my entire race. I’ve witnessed coloureds all over the country update their profile pictures and status updates, singing praises and making memes. I have witnessed hope and positivity; things I haven’t seen in us for a very long time.
Congratulations Wayde! You have evoked confidence and hope in your people.
What was alarming though was that coloureds are being gunned down on social media with a whole lot of hate speech and with comments like “race done matter, he’s South African” or ” why are yourl so excited now that a coloured has won” and more.
Well this is what I have to say all of you people…
You can’t tell us in a country where we have to constantly tick a race box whenever we apply for anything that race don’t matter!
I, personally celebrate victory irrespective of race, I celebrated Luvo’s achievement but I will not lie and say that Waydes achievement didn’t feel like it was closer to home for me because it did feel closer to home.
To see a young coloured boy make it and not just make it but break world records brings hope to me. A coloured role model for our kids who only see drugs, gangs and violence.
It is inspirational for my people and every other race but so much more for my people because we are often handed a raw deal and even with that he has risen above it and has gone beyond… So I can’t understand what the problem is!
When we voiced up against the minister of sport not giving Wayde an official welcome home after winning a gold medal in Beijing last year, don’t know what I’m talking about? Click Here to read more… There was no hype created, most people didn’t even know who he was or what he had just achieved but we as coloureds in other parts of the country were sharing and making posts go viral… demanding answers and demanding that he gets the publicity he deserved.
Where was the rest of the country? What happened to “he’s South African” then? Why weren’t the rest of the country interested in him then or the minister of Sports giving him his official welcome home? Why didn’t media houses think it was something huge to cover well I will leave that for you to ponder over.
So yes, we all would love to live in a country where race doesn’t matter but until processes and legislation changes…unfortunately race will always matter.
We are grateful that the nation is celebrating this victory because Wayde deserves that and so much more but please leave our people to enjoy this as much as we deserve too.
It really isn’t a crime to show your love and support without insulting a Bushie you know!
And well that’s all I have to say and once again , congratulations to Wayde and the South African Olympic Team.
If I could be anybody else in this world, I would be my mother. She is strength personified.
As I grow older and realize and experience just how life can through random cards and give you an unfair hand, I often make it a point to self reflect and see how I can become better after every experience be it good or bad…and that’s because my mother has taught me to do so.
In most cases I have learnt that my mother has walked a similar or more daunting path than I have yet she comes out and stays on top.
As kids we tend to grow up expecting our folk to parent us, we grow up only exposed to what they want us to be exposed too…we grow up ignorant because we only see “Mum”. We don’t see them as “humans” who get tired and angry too or as daughters ( I’m sure they still need their mummy’s, I mean I’m so old and I can’t even pick out a dress without my mother), as a friend or cousin or even a sister… We kinda selfish because it’s always all about us.
I guess they just seem to be so freakin good at balancing everything that they do that sometimes we forget that they too need a time out.
My mother has been my hugest supporter, she’s been my coach, doctor, friend, toy, teacher, enemy, disciplinarian, my pillar of strength and my BIGGEST critique.
Now that I’m older and can understand and see the sacrifices she’s made to get us where we are, I would be grateful if I turn out to be even half the woman she is.
She has shown me how to let life’s darkest moments fuel life’s greatest blessings. She has taught me self worth. She has taught me that it’s ok to be different and not to conform, that it’s okay to have my and stand for my own beliefs and she has taught me to be grateful for whatever God has blessed me with.
She has shown me that no matter how many times I fall or mess up, she is there to catch me. She has shown me that through God, hard work and determination you can achieve anything. She has walked my battle fields with and felt my pain, cried my tears and built me back up. She is blunt and is the OG at keeping things 100. She is a soldier! I mean a superhuman that can love so fiercly yet at the same time able to moer you or put you back in check…only a mother can!
Whenever I lose hope or faith I look at her and see what a masterpiece Allah has created and then I know that I will be ok, because she is okay!
Mum, as your little girl, all I can say is a job well done and THANK YOU! You are amazing, you are valued, you are THEE best. If ever you have doubted yourself or how you’ve done as a mother, I hope this post can at the very least show you just how super amazing you are and validate just that. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.
So even although we are going to fight because well I’m your child, whether it be because of me pulling my face to make your cup of tea or not wiping the kitchen floor or just not knowing when to shut it, know that you are my role model and that when I grow up I want to be just like you!
May Allah ta Allah continue keeping you on his path, may he bless you beyond measure and shower his mercies and blessings upon you always. May he grant you ease through any battle you face, comfort for every sad moment you face and may he grant you the highest ranks in heaven.
What does women’s day mean to you?
Is it just another public holiday… Or not? Is it just another day to get wasted or to sleep? Or is it a day that should make us at the very least sit and ponder about how grateful we should be for the women in our lives.
It is said, and I concur, that a women has the ability to birth and lead nations. She is compassion. She is love. She is fierce. She is gentle. She is kind. She is the perfect balance. She is a teacher. A nurse. A social worker. A helper. She is a kid, A gran, mum, daughter, she is a friend, a coach. She is a super human. She is gracious. She is a believer, a multiplier. She is strength personified. She is a rock.
A women is not her figure, the curl in her hair or the color of her skin. She is not the gap between her thighs, her eye brows or the dimples on her face. She is not the clothes she wears or the cars she drives. She is not her profile picture or the pose she strikes. She is not a punching bag, a slave or inferior to anybody.
Women, know your worth… Because if you don’t nobody else will and it can become very easy for anybody to take advantage of you.
Live in love. Live in kind. Live in God. Walk with purpose and be not chained by the conformities of society.
You are unique. you are beautiful. You are worth it and you are equal.
A very happy women’s day to each and every woman out there.
There is or rather was so much that I wanted to say to you….but even that oppotunity was snatched away from me and so this is my time to bury it all and continue moving forward like I have been for the past 2 years.
Looking back at our relationship…there are so many lessons that I have learnt. And this open letter is in no way meant to offend or belittle you. It’s about me finally saying the things I needed to say. It’s about me putting me first for once. It’s about me not being the bigger or more mature person. Its about saying what I really felt.
Do I believe that you loved me? I actually do and I probably always will. Do I believe that you valued me? Not a damn!
If ever I doubted that love is blind, our relationship proved that it was indeed. I loved you with every last breathe in me and you knew it. You were my one and only. You were my everything. You had power over me.
I loved you. Loved your craziness. Your ability to make me laugh. I loved how we used to play board games together. How we could watch movies together. How funny and filthy you could be. How you would keep me company when I ironed and got us ready for the week. I loved your dance moves. You thinking you could sing. I loved coming home to that smile. Seeing you waiting for me by the gate. I loved when we prayed together.when we would fight and make up. Loved how you would test me before exams. Lol remember that time I got back from Durban? You didn’t let me finish unpack coz you missed me that much or that time we found out I was pregnant? What about that week we were at home by ourselves and we spent time watching movies. Eating. Playing cards and just talking. Or how we battled it out when shit went South that one Ramadaan?
If you ask me where did it all go wrong? I can’t tell you…because there was so much! Was it me? And being too hard by believing in you more than you did yourself? My domineering ways? My stubborness? Was it my vision for you? My parents? Was it pity, because you let me in and I saw first hand what you had to deal with. Was it your evil step mother? Or was it you being so easily influenced? Your exs? Your Sister in laws? Family? Friends? Was it the drugs? Or the alcohol? Was it that you were just pretending? Or the millions of people involved on our relationship, the outsiders?
There was so much that was said by every one else but so many things left unsaid between you and I. You picked me up and broke me down till I was nothing.Literally. LOL.I hated you and cursed you for the affair. For the time you raised your hands for me and rough handled me to the point that I started bleeding in my already high-risk pregnancy and had to lie and say I just started. I hated you for losing my one and only child. For not attempting to come and see me during that last hospital admission. I hated you for not being there when I NEEDED YOU. For the excuses.For the times you would leave me knowing how risky my pregnancy was and you would just go for nights on end. I hated you for the disrespect you brought to my home. I hated you for not standing up for me when you could see everything that was going on. For discussing me with your exes. I hated you for not being the man you led me to believe you were. I hated you for allowing your step mother to belittle and use me. She swore on oath that she would make you have that affair and you just went along with it. I hated you for making it get to the point where I had to start praying the prayer of contentment because I just didnt know with you any more. I hated her,your now wife, for breaking my home. I judged her…what happend to the women code? But later realised I was wrong. I couldn’t blame her… you allowed it.
I believe God made me lose Mikail to prepare me for letting you go. If I could lose a child and make it, he knew that that would toughen me and prepare me for living with out you. The pain of losing that child, that shed the light through my darkness was unbarable. You were the centre of my world. I heard nothing from nobody when it came to you.
No amount of words can ever describe how much you hurt me…you left our marriage and chose to have that affair..with that girl in our bed…whilst I was on the other side of the country trying to figure it all out and make things work for us.
Just weeks before that we were the best couple, making relationship goals. We agreed to put us first. We started dating in our marriage.You said you loved me nights before but then you fought me…for things so trivial. You even backed out of slaughtering for your sons 1 year because of a booty call. God…I hated you. You left our marriage but judged me for leaving you… you knew I was jobless, knew I that I needed and was dependant on you. You left me to deal with losing our son, my gran and my husband just months apart. You chose to dishonour our marriage after the countless conversations we had where I gave you the option to leave and you said you wanted to stay. You had that affair and judged me for leaving you because you didn’t care and you were selfish.I asked for the divorce and you said no, but later decided to give it to me. You played with my emotions. With my heart because it was all about you that time.
You carried on with your life and continued blaming and bad mouthing me for leaving you and wanting out. How much more did you expect me to bare whilst you were having the time of your life?
You were rude and arrogant to me and started hating me oh so sudddenly.You remarried not even a year later and had your child just before that…mine died and you just moved on making more to fill your void. Not once thinking of me. It was your life. Your party. Even when I thought I was progressing and even without communication between us, you kept breaking me down by just the thought of you.
I still have your apology SMS that you sent me a year after everything. I often read it when I think of you. I still get unsettled and randomly think of you only to hear days later something big and bad is going on with you. I pray and ask God to delink whatever still connects us because its happend on so many occasions making me think it isn’t mere coincidence.I blocked you on social media but I still sometimes reminise on the good ole days. I appreciate and am grateful when I get told you ask about me or pass messages on with your mum to let me know that our sons grave is looking good but at the same time I despise you because part of me feels its so selfish that only now you want to do all of these things and moreso that you still want me to know.
I still wish to ask you “how are you” and would just like to know honestly what goes through your mind, to have one of “our” raw, uncut conversations. I still sometimes wonder if you ever think about me or us. If you miss me or what we had. I know it’s wrong because you married and it isn’t good for my healing process…but I do.
Today? I sit here writing this by the almighty’s grace. Debating whether this post should be published or not. Today I sit here stronger than ever before, and yes even with the lump in my throat and the sore heart and the memory of all the plans I hoped we would have gotten to live out, I can finally say that I’m doing me now and it feels great. I am alive and am blessed.
I got my job and am gaining my independence back. I am picking myself up slowly but surely and am making my come back. I may not have moved onto another partner but I surely am preparing myself for one. Today I sit knowing my relationship with God. Knowing who Tazz is and what Tazz deserves. Today I sit here and am writing to tell you that I’m living out my goals. The goals I had initially had for us two; I sit achieving them alone and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
Thank you dear husband. Thank you for teaching me that I do matter. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make God my world. Thank you for my son because he pulled me through some of my darkest moments; whenever you weren’t there; he would often listen to me sob my heart out. Thank you for leaving me and breaking me down, allowing me to rebuild myself. Thank you for showing me my flaws and just how imperfect I was and still am. Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for allowing me to be with you for those few years. For being brave enough to show me your scars and imperfections. Thank you for showing me how grateful I should be for my family; they have all played a role in my healing. Thank you for Lyndal and Faiza, without you I wouldn’t have met such amazing, awesome friends.
I sincerely wish you everything of the best. I know the man I met a good 4-5 years ago lives within you. I pray for you and for your family; wife and baby girl. I wish you success. I wish you peace and I wish you happiness. I wish that you would finally love yourself enough to love God and to believe in yourself like I did, so that you can start receiving even more blessings.I pray that you can let all of the negative people in your life go.
I pray that you don’t put any other women, even the one who broke up my home, through what you put me through.I hope that you have taken lessons just like I, and are using our experience to make your life better.I once was selective with what I told folk about us because I didn’t want you to look bad ( I still dont) and because I was scared of being judged. But I’m no longer scared because I have forgiven myself and have forgiven you.
I hope you get to read this and if our paths are meant to cross one day in the future…I hope it will be pleasant and perhaps you could answer some of these unanswered questions.
May peace and blessing be upon you always. Loved you long time.