Sitting and reminiscing about all that I have been through. I remember feeling like life was dealing me one horrible card after another. March 13th 2013 lost my son. July 19th 2013 lost my gran. April 8th 2014 got divorced. May 22nd 2014 lost my other gran.
Like it was one thing after another and in 2013 I was the closest to God I have ever been. Practising my religion best I can. Prayed 5 times daily. Wore my scarf daily. Practiced patience and all those 12 things and for a long time i couldn’t understand why or where it all went wrong. My husband then and I were at our best and I guess Satan started working extra hard.
When we got divorced I did the hardest thing. Cut off all contact with what was then my everything.him. God I loved him with my all. A love nobody understood . It was the hardest thing I ever needed to do. But I couldn’t let whatever good memories I had be ruined and spoilt by keeping in contact with him and being dragged …it would have perhaps ended worse than it did.
Now as a woman. 24 at the time. You can only imagine what issues I was dealing with. Self esteem issues. I mean who really wants to have married and divorced as a status at just but 24 .I felt weak…why couldn’t I carry my son. Was I not good enough to be a wife? A mother ? Was I that bad even in my head and heart I had the best intentions….eventually I started straying away from prayer. Work came along. And I put my all into it. After just 8 months. Got my first promotion. Got my licence. Things were looking up but I was finding it very hard to move on. I had forgiven him and was working on releasing all the pain in my heart.
For this I knew I needed God’s help. I needed to start praying again and so I Did. It worked and I felt better and even started praying for him and his happiness. . .until I got the news that the girl he was having an affair with in our marraige was expecting and later found out they getting married.All in the space of not even a year of our divorce. (Now dont get me wrong, he wernt all that bad and this post isnt to point fingers, i had and still have my flaws.)
I got mad. Angry. Not so much at her. But at him. How could he just move on? Did my son and I not mean anything. Did he even love me like he always said he did?
I found myself becoming bitter. Mind was working over time again. Wanted to see him and punch him and make him feel pain.
I Stopped praying for a while but Nothing was changing and so I started again and spoke to God and told him I don’t wanna feel this anger and resentment. Let me be happy for him. I loved him. Still do and probably always will , obviously not as intense as when we were together. But he was my husband and we shared something special prior to it going wrong.
when u love someone u wanna see them happy and I deep down inside i wanted to see him happy after his miserable past. I really didn’t wanna walk around being bitter and troubled. After all iv been through all i wanted was peace especially since I accepted that we were perhaps not meant to be.
We were in contact for a while, he had sent an apology message before his daughter was born, but no longer now and that’s for the best. Ex’s can be Civil but in my opinion not friends and I was raised with morals and values. Although I don’t owe his current fiance anything. It wouldn’t be right for me to be in contact with him . It would be disrespectful. I now wish him nothing but the best and i wish and actually hope his 2nd marriage works out if anything for that lil baby. So she can grow up with home and stability. I love kids and believe they shouldn’t be punished for adults’ mistakes.
And so I’m sharing this with you because I might not be going through your struggle. Yours could be way worse than mine. But know that the road to self recovery is not easy. You will prosper. You will fall. But don’t give up. Keep going for there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn’t move on because I know there’s self issues I need to deal with before getting serious with any one but I’m beginning to be at a peace again. I sincerely have accepted the circumstances and really wish nothing but peace and happiness for him and his new family and will be honoured if at least something was learnt from me that will aid in him taking care of his new family.
God’s timing and reasoning is perfect. I loved being a wife. I love kids and I pray God will give me a 2nd shot at it. But for now I’m grateful . I’m content.im not where I want to be in terms of healing but I know I will get there.
Pray. And make a conscious effort to control your thoughts for they directly impact how you feel.
We will get there and our winning cards are coming. Brighter days are ahead. Laugh through the pain. Love hard. Fight deep. Pray often.forgive as much as u can. And live. For every second that passes is time we not getting back and we shouldn’t be wasting it on being bitter… its too short,life. 🙂
Posted from Just an ordinary girl